July 22, 2005


So this little gem came in my guestbook about a week ago. It was written by “Ellie“. I present it to you completely unedited.

this website is f****ing crap!
Heheheh. This is quite amusing. It’s very interesting that “Ellie” thought that this opinion would be better served to include an F-bomb, but she went to the trouble of censoring it with asterisks. And yet their are 4 asterisks when, to achieve the effect we all assume she is going for, there really should only be 3. So perhaps this is not an F-bomb after all? There are any number of 5 letter words starting with F and with “ing” at the end that could potentially fit in here. Flunking, flipping, fighting, flanging, flanking, flambing… ok that last one I made up, but you get the idea. So, perhaps the idea of the insult is there, but the execution is flawed. Of course, I can’t say that it would bother me at all either way, it would just be less funny.

But what’s really funny is this website I recently discovered. It’s the Automatic Complaint-Letter Generator. When you enter the name of a person or company, it will randomly create a letter formally complaining about that subject. I decided to complain about myself so I entered in and the result was right on the money! It’s just uncanny how this complaint got so many things right. I think the first paragraph is especially accurate. Read on!

My complaint about

I am not short on words, so please bear with the length of this letter. Let me preface my discussion by quickly reasserting a familiar theme of my previous letters: pompously claims that the Universe belongs to it by right. That sort of nonsense impresses many people, unfortunately.’s eccentricity is surpassed only by its vanity. And its vanity is surpassed only by its empty theorizing. (Remember its theory that the purpose of life is self-gratification?) says that every word that leaves its mouth is teeming with useful information. I’ve seen more plausible things scrawled on the bathroom walls in elementary schools. As another disquieting tidbit, the following must be stated: If I have a bias, it is only against disgraceful ivory-tower academics who address what is, in the end, a nonexistent problem. My purpose is to speak out against dictatorial, detestable know-nothings. Most of the battles I fight along the way are exigencies, not long-range educational activities. Nevertheless, is unequivocally up to something. I don’t know exactly what, but deconstructionism can not and must not be tolerated.’s spin doctors probably don’t realize that, because it’s not mentioned in the funny papers or in the movies. Nevertheless, I cannot promise not to be angry at it. I do promise, however, to try to keep my anger under control, to keep it from leading me — as it leads — to redefine humanity as alienated machines/beasts and then convince everyone that they were never human to begin with.

It’s somewhat tricky to get us out of the hammerlock that is holding us in, especially since the media in this country tend to ignore historical connections and are reluctant to analyze ideological positions or treat a fringe political group seriously. What I just said is a very important point, but I’m afraid a lot of readers might miss it, so I’ll say a few more words on the subject. In the past, I’ve said that sees life as an unambitious, negligent game without any rules. Were I to make such a generalization today, it would contain a few “weasel words” — an escape hatch or that indispensable cliche that wants to become an intellectual without the hardship of study and serious thought. But because is capable of passing very rapidly from a hidden enjoyment of crude sensationalism to a proclaimed attachment to exhibitionism and back — and back again — I am not ready to retract my conviction or to recant error. The more I think about effete, bloodthirsty flakes, the more troubled I become by’s editorials. You might think this is all pretty funny now, but I doubt I’ll hear you laughing if, one day, is successfully able to herald the death of intelligent discourse on college campuses. Let me conclude by saying that we who want to inculcate in the reader an inquisitive spirit and a skepticism about beliefs that’s helpers take for granted will not rest until we do.

That was awesome. Despite being randomly generated by a computer, this is the greatest insult ever. Real people have yet to top anything like this. So, it must be said that if you can’t beat this, well then don’t even f********ing bother!
(The extra *’s are for *****!)



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