May 20th, 2005

8 Things that are Better than Hockey.

Ninjatron is going to talk about REAL Canadian Pride.

I am proud to be Canadian, and I don't need an annoying beer commercial to tell me that. I am very happy to be a part of this country. I do my best to uphold the values that this country stands for. But one thing that I can't stand is this bewildering insistence that the Canadian national identity must be synonymous with the game of hockey.

Hockey isn't that great. Hockey is actually not great at all. Hockey is pretty bad when you think about it. Hockey sucks!

Now, look. I don't like hockey. I have no interest in hockey whatsoever. The fact that hockey exists as such isn't necessarily what has bothered me for so long. If other people like hockey, then fine. Even if the majority of the country likes hockey, whatever. What bothers me is that, even though I wish to have nothing to do with hockey at all, I am constantly bombarded by it! Be it commercials about hockey or using hockey to promote something else, televised games that preempt something I'd rather be watching and go on way too bloody long, obnoxious fans who can't stop yelling about how their favorite team needs to "go", news anchors and reporters droning on and on about it as if it were actually something important, or even just regular folks who talk as if everybody is supposed to know what the hell is going on with all these games and put out lives on hold for the playoffs, all because this is supposed to be "our game", a so-called part of our culture.

Well I'm Canadian, and hockey is not a part of my culture at all. Being a Canadian means that I have the freedom to pick whatever I want to be my culture! And I sure as hell don't pick hockey, and I'm much happier just to ignore it. That is, I would be happy if I could ignore it, but try as I might, the media and all of the Pavlovian fans who buy into the hype just won't let me!

Oh, and let's not forget the double standard that the drunken would-be jocks of the world are somehow oblivious to. You know what I'm talking about. God forbid anybody actually have an interesting hobby or show the slightest bit of intelligence. That means you have no life and no friends! But if someone were to put just as much interest and enthusiasm, or maybe even more, into being a "hockey fan", well then that's perfectly fine! In fact, that's celebrated! For crying out loud, what a pile of garbage that is.

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm tired of it! I don't even watch it and I'm tired of it! I'm simply not going to take any more without letting my views be known. I am here today to say that hockey is not that great. In my extensive research on the subject, I have come to the conclusion that there are many other things which are much better than hockey! And I will use sound logic and unquestionable reasoning to prove this beyond a shadow of a doubt. So please read this article with an open mind, and I am quite sure that, by the time this is finished, the entire universe will be in agreement with me.

And so, in no particular order, here are 8 other things that exist in the world which are far superior to that viral cluster of a sport known as hockey. Enjoy!

#1 - Apple Pie

Pie is better than hockey. Hockey is not as good as pie.

Apple pie is obviously much better that hockey. Unlike hockey, which requires a puck, sticks, and other equipment to play, anyone can eat apple pie. You don't even really need a fork if you don't want one. Authentic hockey requires special conditions regarding ice to play properly, but pie can be eaten in any location, any time of year, any day of the week, making pie far more versatile than hockey. The hard outer crust contrasted against the pie's gooey innards creates an interesting visual that is on par with, and often more entertaining than, most professional level hockey games. Just try to eat a slice of pie without looking at it and you'll see what I mean. It will hold your attention no matter what.

Some children often dream of playing hockey professionally, but the cruel reality of the situation says that most will not accomplish this dream. However, eating apple pie is dream that many more children will be able to attain, and ultimately it is a much more fulfilling experience. Furthermore, hockey is just a game with people skating around, but apple pie is a food that you can eat, not just for dessert, but also for breakfast if you so desire. Apple pie has the flavor of apples with cinnamon, thus making it far superior to hockey, which is not a food and thus has no flavor at all. And, if hockey were to be a food, I have no doubt that it would taste like unflavored frozen water, which is not nearly as good as apple pie.

Now, some may say that it is heresy to favor apple pie over hockey, since apple pie is a symbol of American culture. I say that is just as ridiculous as hockey being a symbol of Canadian culture. A pie can't just belong to any one nation. Pies are pies, everywhere in the world! So if you could have apple pie, then why would anyone even care at all about hockey? It just doesn't make sense!

#2 - General Grievous

General Grievous is better than hockey. Hockey is not as good as General Grievous.

General Grievous is better than hockey in many ways. First of all, he has the ability to use four arms, which is very cool. I've never even seen a hockey player with more than two arms! That's pathetic. Also, General Grievous uses lightsabers, but hockey players are only allowed to use sticks. And they're not even regular sticks either, they're these sticks with this stupid curvy flat part on one end. What's the deal with that? I don't think I need to explain how lightsabers are much better than those silly looking things. And to top it all off, General Grievous can use four lightsabers at once, but hockey players only use one stick! What are you guys so scared of that you won't let a hockey player use more than one stick at a time! Afraid that it might actually become exciting that way? Come on, if he's got two arms, give him two sticks!

And lastly regarding this point, General Grievous almost defeated Obi Wan Kenobi. Yeah, Obi Wan Freakin' Kenobi, the legendary Jedi Knight. The only way Obi Wan was able to win their fight was by using a blaster rifle, something he would normally abhor! Now let's be realistic here. I'd wager that even the toughest hockey player wouldn't stand much of a chance against Obi Wan Kenobi. Therefore hockey is completely inferior to General Grievous.

#3 - Spider-man

Spider-man is better than hockey. Hockey is not as good as Spider-man. Spider-man pwnz teh hockey

Spider-man, as the ancient hymn proclaims, does whatever a spider can. People have found this to be very entertaining for many generations, as evidenced by the character's enduring popularity. Do hockey players posses this ability? Of course not! The game of hockey has nothing to do with spiders! There is neither wall climbing nor web slinging. There is little room within hockey's strict confines for participants to act as a spider at all! In fact, I believe that spider-like activity may be actively discouraged, if not outlawed entirely! If this is the case, then how can hockey be called such a great sport when such limits are in place? This is simply not fair. Why deny the people from seeing the spectacular acrobatic feats of Spider-man? It's what we all want!

#4 - Pineapples

Pineapples are better than hockey. Hockey is not as good as Pineapples.

Pineapples are very interesting objects from a qualitative standpoint. Their scaly, violent appearance is a much more engaging image than the bland hockey puck, which looks like an old licorice candy and likely tastes even worse. Pineapples are a fruit, but they are encased in an armor that makes them look far more menacing than any hockey player. Come on, am I supposed to believe that these guys are tough when they skate out there in their frilly jerseys and oversized mittens? They don't look nearly as cool as pineapples. In fact, I think they even look worse than Power Rangers. Pineapples are better than hockey. It's just that simple.

#5 - Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is better than hockey.

In this totally classic film, Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted "Theodore" Logan must travel through time with the help of George Carlin, and meet with various important historical figures including Napoleon Bonaparte, Abraham Lincoln, and Genghis Kahn, so that they can, like, put together a righteous history presentation, not flunk out of school, go on to become an awesome rock band, and totally bring peace to the whole world. This plot is totally way more excellent than the plot of any hockey game, which is, like, totally boring, dude! Now, if hockey is so great, then how come they didn't meet any hockey players on their totally excellent adventure through time? Because hockey isn't that important, dude! It's like totally bogus! Also, this movie features some fine medieval babes who become rock and roll babes! This has, like, never happened in any recorded hockey game, so hockey is just totally heinous by comparison. Hockey is just not as excellent as this movie, so party on, dudes! *air guitar*

#6 - Super Mario Bros.

Super Mario Bros. is better than hockey. Hockey is not as good as Super Mario Bros. Super Mario Bros. roxxorz hockey.

Some people may say that is unreasonable for me to compare hockey, which is a game that has rules and a score, to other things which are not in the same category. I would tell those people to go to hell, but for the sake of an unbiased comparison I will compare hockey to Super Mario Bros., which is also a game that has rules and a score. Even in this case, however, hockey is still unsatisfactory. The game of Super Mario Bros. features the collection of icons commonly known as "power-ups". These power-ups can give the player enhanced abilities, such as increased size, temporary invincibility, and pyrokinesis. This makes the game much more exciting than hockey. Not only does the game of hockey fail to provide these power ups to the players, it fails to provide any power-ups whatsoever! If the players are unable to become gigantic and throw fire at each other, then how are they supposed to score any points without being boring?

Also, Super Mario Bros. contains secret areas known as "warp zones", allowing players who can find them to instantly jump to later areas of gameplay. The game of hockey would benefit greatly from the implementation of warp zones. They would allow for people to skip ahead to the ending, thus wasting less time and being less boring overall. However, the fundamental traditionalist attitudes of the decrepit old people who insist on the preservation of their antiquated methods have prevented such advancements from ever occurring. For shame, I say.

#7 - This picture of a kid dressed up like a Chicken

This Kid dressed up like a Chicken is better than Hockey.

The world is full of thrilling mysteries which inspire humanity to seek truth in their lives, and I believe that this picture I just found of a kid in Hong Kong dressed up like a Chicken, unearthed from the archives of an Internet newspaper based in Pakistan, is one of them. An image such as this begs so many questions. Who is this child? Why is the child dressed up like a chicken? One can assume that the photo originates from a Chinese New Year celebration to herald in the year of the Rooster, but even based on that, so much is left unanswered. Who's idea was it to have children wearing this chicken? Did that person actually think it was a good idea? What reaction did other people have to it? The child's eyes tell an interesting story. Did the child participate willingly in this chicken enterprise, or was force involved? What is the child like? What hopes, what dreams, what aspirations does this child have, and is this chicken suit an aid or a hindrance in obtaining them? These rhetorical questions help me to see the grander scheme of life and bring me enlightenment.

Hockey is not as good as that Kid dressed up like a Chicken.

By contrast. look at any picture of a hockey player. There is barely any personality exhibited underneath those helmets. I can barely even tell who anyone is, and I don't care about any of their motivations. Their helmets, while crafted for best possible protection, don't look like chickens at all, or any other creatures for that matter. Why not? Why can't they do something more thought provoking with themselves? This does not enrich my existence one bit. There is no mystery here. There is no enlightenment here. There is only a sweaty person who hopes to score points for the sake whatever fleeting moments of glory that may accomplish. How depressing. Chicken kid is better.

And finally, as if there was any doubt, the last entry.

#8 - Godzilla

Godzilla is MUCH better than hockey. Hockey is not nearly as super awesome as Godzilla.

Come on, do I even really need to explain this one? I mean seriously, this should come as a surprise to nobody. It's not even a contest! It's just so painfully obvious how Godzilla is superior to hockey, I really shouldn't even need to say why. In simple terms, when you really get right down to it, Godzilla is bigger and better than everything. There's really no arguing it. It's pretty much a proven fact.

The Anti-Hockey League And thus concludes the list of 8 things better than Hockey. Of course, this list comes with the disclaimer that, as with any list, your personal mileage may vary. However, I believe that there may be more things in the galaxy that are also far superior to hockey, and that anyone can find at least 8 that they like if they try. But will you try? For to deny the possibility that hockey just isn't that great and there are lots of other things out there that are better is to deny the very essence of life and free will itself! Well I'm not going to let people do that!

Thus, this article will stand forever, both as a beacon of hope for like-minded individuals who also tire of hockey's stranglehold on the collective consciousness of our nation, and as an interventionary measure against those unfortunate souls who are still caught within hockey's icy grasp. So, if you are a hockey fan or not, I hope that this article has left a positive impression on your life. If it didn't, well then I just wasted a whole bunch of time that you could have been spending doing something hockey related, so ha ha ha, sucker.

Hockey is a game. It's just a game. It's on the same totem pole as hopscotch and tic-tac-toe. Thus, it's just not that important, people! Get over it and move on with your lives. You can like hockey if you want, just be considerate and shut the hell up about it when it's done, because some of us really don't want to hear it.

In conclusion, where does satire end and the truth begin? You'll never know! Bwahahahaha!

What does this have to do with anything? Figure it out.
Lenny: If you ask me, Mohammed Ali in his prime was much better than anti-lock brakes.
Carl: Yeah, but what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi?


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